Lloyd<<< somehow or another, across a weary expanse of time, space, text, and intention
that could have been or may as well have been deemed, in effect, void- void and proper-
I was charged with the task of promoting an annual neighborhood clean-up activity, conceived of and ironically titled- get this- An Event of No Consequence; and then, in parentheses, (No Controversy Whatsoever)
There were immediate results, believe it or not, and a renewed commitment on my part to Gilligan, Gulliver, Crusoe, Long John Silver, Kabir, and the Captain was one of them, beginning from the very instant that we began surveying and cataloging the refuse.
Pure products of the native soil and its eerie natural processes, the inventors of games and game theories such as Lite-Brite, Monopoly, Connect 4, and Battleship, along with local dirt-keepers, stone-keepers, worm-keepers, ant-keepers, humanists, and earth-building entrepreneurs were all most cordially notified, by means of deliberately obscure cartoons and slogans chalked directly onto the cobblestone, bus stop shelters, dumpsters, fire escapes, and the like.
It was my job, somehow or another, to promote this activity- my job to get behind it and try to get other people behind it as well! The traditional media were in no way overlooked in this effort, and delicate questions in regards to middle and long-term financial backing were eventually brought into the fragile ongoing and, for the most part, on-line discussion.
[at the phrase “traditional media” above Meg begins hobbling toward the stage from the rear talking loudly on her cell phone. Lloyd is surprised at the intrusion and unsure how to deal with it. Eventually he apologizes to the audience for the interruption and steps down off the stage and into the crowd to deal with the situation head-on, at which time he commences his own cell phone conversation and falls in step with Meg as she hobbles up onto the stage]
Meg<<< Tony, I charge thee- tender well my poor meowsers! I’m afraid I can’t emphasize that enough, saucy fellow!...Sawest thou not, little dumpling, how Silver made it good at the corner of Prairie and Eldo?...Thou art confused- verily, lad, deeply and sorely confounded! An enormous expanse of confusion engulfs thee at present, my chuck...Prithee, if Echo were as fleet- nay, even a fraction as fleet- why, I would esteem him...buried treasure...chests of pure, priceless silver...nature’s bounty, sirrah...go get it...I charge thee, get up off your ass and go get it instantly! But sup them well first- tomorrow I plan on hunting again...Tony, my child- I could give a rat’s ass as to whether my grandson will be joining us.
Lloyd<<< Grandma! Grandma, no way! That’s not fair! You can’t just do that to Grandpa!...You can’t just sign him up for a gardening workshop without even asking him! Doesn’t he already know how to garden?...No, it’s not something a person just forgets over time!...Well, that’s pretty much up to him, don’t you think?...It seems to me as though his schedule is already pretty full as it is...physical therapy, psychotherapy, occupational therapy, music therapy, yoga therapy, aroma therapy, animal therapy, water therapy, ether therapy, mineral therapy...does he want to work in the garden?...Do you guys still even have room for a garden?...Are you sure that he even wants to have a garden at all? Have you asked him? No, Grandma, it’s not a matter of right vs. wrong- no way! That’s not fair! You can’t just do that to Grandpa!
[Meg ends her call here and almost immediately turns toward and interrupts Lloyd]
Meg<<< Lloyd, would you get off the phone with your pathetic other grandma and see to it that this one’s dinner is ready and waiting piping hot in the cafeteria area?
[he glances over but continues talking]
Meg<<< Lloyd dear- should I repeat my statement word for word or express the same basic sentiment in more direct language, you filthy, worsted- stocking, [begins attacking him] three-suited, glass-gazing, one-trunk-inheriting knave! Son and heir of pure nothingness! Scoundrel! The waste itself enjoins thee in common cause against all natural color!
Lloyd<<< ok, ok, I’ll go check-
[Lloyd goes offstage for 25 seconds. Meg dials cell phone again]
Meg<<< Tony- it’s Meg again- sorry to trouble you you again at such short notice- hath Silver decided on sleeping quarters one way or another? ...I’m certain the prelude would be helpful or one of those fugitive visions of Prokofiev...yes, Tony, We have a big day tomorrow- I don’t think I have to remind you . . . hay of the highest quality and Prokofiev should help [Lloyd returns and patiently waits nearby for Meg to finish her phone call]. . . barley and apples shipped overnight direct....yes.
Lloyd<<< ok, grandma, it’s ready- we need to give you your medicine first, though.
Meg<<< you know the routine, boy.
[they walk backstage towards chairs, and then suddenly turn around and have the following exchange in hipster-speak]
Meg<<< yeah, it’s so true- we totally enjoyed spending time out-of-doors.
Lloyd<<< it was really important that every week we found new ways of cementing it into our schedules.
Meg<<< wasn’t always easy-
Lloyd<<< or practical-
Meg<<< people thought we were a little bit crazy-
Lloyd<<< just because we’re the sort of “weirdos” who happen to enjoy spending significant blocks of time out in nature!
Meg<<< not everyone knows this, but there are a lot of great wilderness areas right here in the city!
Lloyd<<< I don’t know Meg- just being anywhere outside pretty much does it for me!
Meg<<< yeah, just simply spending time out-of-doors!
Lloyd<<< intimate, ongoing contact with primordial nature-
[sudden flip back to original characters]
Meg<<< Lloyd- c’mon- let’s get this show on the road! I’m starving, boy! I haven’t eaten anything proper in days!
[they proceed with medicine routine]
Meg<<< how’s the birdhouse business, Lloyd? Have you sold any recently?
Lloyd<<< it’s gingerbread houses, grandma, and no- no I haven’t sold any recently.
[she gives him a funny look. they continue medicine routine. the following dialogue occurs as Lloyd is putting things away]
Meg<<< Lloyd, can you hear the sparrows chirping out there?
Lloyd<<< no, not really, Grandma-
Meg<<< what do you mean, “not really,” boy- either you do or you don’t!
Lloyd<<< ok, then, grandma, no. I don’t hear any birds.
Meg<<< well, are you even listening, Lloyd?
Lloyd<<< uh. . .I think I am, grandma.
[she gives him another funny look, straightens up, dusts off her clothes, takes out a compact mirror, pats her hair, puts it all back in her purse, and hobbles over to the piano. Lloyd protests a little, attempts to redirect her toward the dining room, but soon gives up and sits back down in the chair, head hanging and weary.
Meg<<< Lloyd, there is something I need to straighten out first so Silver is ready for the hunt...just a minute...
[She sits down at the piano and proceeds to play very spastically for 2 or 3 (or more, depending on time constraints) minutes, after which point she suddenly transitions]
Lloyd<<< Nothing seemed to be helping us, either as a group or as individuals. Ah, what the Tom Hill am I saying- there aren’t any more, quote, “individuals!” That’s a word that only people my grandma’s age still use with any sincerity! Of much more immediate concern was the state of the actual “stewardship”- although apparently that is yet another, quote, “highly-loaded” term that the “committee” wasn’t too crazy about, by the way. “Stewards,” according to them, usually have divided loyalties- “stewards” eventually slither off towards their own secret and selfish “priorities”- they can’t always be counted on to see certain projects through to the end- I know it’s a terrible thing to say, but telephone calls didn’t interest me. And it’s probably even worse to say the following, but here goes: personal visits no longer interested me. I’m not yet living here in Cedar Canyon Retirement Home, like my grandma, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still happen to share quite a few of her preferences- like applesauce, for example...like having imaginary friends, for example- like having an open and ongoing dialogue with absolute nothingness, for example. You might not be able to intuit such things just by watching us interact up here on stage, so that’s why I’m giving you a little bit of the backstory- it was my job, somehow or another, to concoct these ridiculous backstories! My job to get behind them, and to try to get other people behind them as well!
I confused these jobs with friendship- and then, to make matters worse, I confused friendship with literature- the icing on the cake was confusing literature with the ads for the annual neighborhood clean-up, after which point I was politely asked to resign as promoter and publicist- it was like asking stillness, silence, and solitude to all move in even closer together!
Meg<<< Enough boy, enough! You won’t get me to slit my throat quite that easily! Your depressing little sermons have become the standing joke of the nursing home! Get up, lad! Look lively! Tony hath re-saddled Silver and Echo and is awaiting us both in the pasture- the hunt resumes, my dear boy- let’s away- let’s away!
[as they move slowly towards the back exit and Meg puts one more call thru to Tony, and stays on the phone with him for 15 seconds after leaving the stage]
